Everytime I Facebook surf, or check my inbox in Multiply, I begin to lament how everyone in Manila seems to be living infinitely cooler lives than I. All the photos of inuman, tambay, inuman, tambay, jamming, inuman, tambay... social events sponsored by some big company, opportunities to show off new outfits, and rub elbows with this-and-that rockstar/ artista, tons and tons of blurry, un-centered snapshots taken by someone who is also in the picture. I am so ordinary here, so unglamorous, so un-cool. I'm not well-known or well-connected. I don't have cool, artsy, hippie friends. I don't do anything on weekends, and opportunities to dress up, as in dress up to look nice are few and far between. Sure, there's work, but after awhile dressing up for work, it gets nakakatamad too. I'm up at 5 every morning, and I have a jeepney ride to catch. Not much time to really pick things out really, although I haven't resorted to being one of those jeans-and-hoodie types. I am still a stylish employee (or so i think). I make it a point. But during the few times when I do don my finery (my nice clothes, and my accesories etc.), they feel so alien to me because I never wear then. I end up throwing on something more casual. I haven't seen a live band in ages. They're all too far expensive and I've got work to do, and I'm going to have to worry about how I'm going to get home from said gig. I get so jealous when I hear about all the new music flourishing and sprouting. I rarely drink. Getting drunk would disrupt my carefully planned schedule (would make me feel silly in the end). I rarely hang out. Hanging out has to be planned here. And I don't really have any tambay time anyway. My friends have their own lives now, when we do plan, it gets cancelled anyway. Tambay.... it's amazing how much time people have just for tambay. It seems so unreal from imagination. All the same, don't people get tired of being drunk or tipsy every weekend? And tambay, I don't know, don't people have stuff to do? How was my schedule ever that free? Am I a workaholic or am I just focused? It's rare that I have time to waste, and when I do, I don't want to feel like I'm wasting it. Well, this is my life now. Unexciting. More full-filling though. I suppose. Quieter, definitely, more real. And I did need a good dose of reality. And I needed to stop living such an image-based life and ask myself what I really wanted to make of myself. Really. I relied on the people, institutions I was associated with, and activities I got into to sort of define who I was. I really did confuse myself with wanting things that were cool to want as opposed to things I really did want. I guess I feel like I'm catching up after all the time I spent mucking around, wanting to be this one day, and that the next. It's only now that I've actually stuck with a choice: art/ design school. I wish I had made this decision much earlier. So many things held me back, you wouldn't believe it. I wasted so much time before I finally decided to do my own thing. I don't know if it makes any sense, but for the first time I feel like I have a sense of self. I guess it comes with having purpose, and finding what you're good at and finding what you want to do. When you find the thing you want to devote time to. I'm full-filled. But sometimes I really do miss the fun times. I really, really, really miss hanging out/tambay for one. But I guess this is life's way of balancing me. I spent all those years having fun but being immature. Now it's time to get serious. It's still fun, just not in that loopy care-free way anymore. Ah, well. I guess things do have to change eventually. :-) I used too be much more fun. Now I'm much more productive and capable but GRACEFUL! -XOXO-

this is gracee now signing off :)